With almost every household in the county now having received the unsolicited gift of 3 more plastic bins, and with the likelihood of any further gifts from those in governmental positions likely to take the form of a letter of conscription, Kernow Now has published a handy special edition on getting the most out of…
Kernow Now’s Top Tips for Surviving a Hostile Occupation
With the quite likely event of the UK being either sold to Russia to fund President Trump’s loft conversion or invaded under the pretext of national security, Kernow Now has put together a set of helpful guidelines to help you get the most out of a hostile occupation. Get a petition going Family members imprisoned?…
King Harry Ferry to be Retrofitted as Cornwall’s Trident Defence System
With the threat of nuclear war ever present, increased risks to global stability and the ever present threat of homeless brown people staging marine incursions onto our shores, Kernow Now can now bring you the reassuring news that the King Harry Ferry is to be fitted out with state of the art Polaris nuclear warheads…
Greg Wallace Removes Afghan Women’s Right to Medical Training
After ruining Christmas for the entirety of Britain by refusing to be broadcast by the BBC for possibly or possibly not being guilty of sexual harassment, it is thought that presenter Greg Wallace is now possibly or possibly not responsible for removing the rights of Afghan women to medical training under Taliban rule. The host…
Kernow Now’s Top Tips for Staying Warm this Winter
With the temperatures plummeting and the light at the end of the financial tunnel reduced to a small, terminally ill glow worm, this year it may be up to you to take extra measures to ensure your family makes it through the winter. Here are Kernow Now’s top six tips for staying warm this festive…
My time in the Second World War – by Suella Braverman
June 6th 1944 – 0400 hours Awake early today with the rest of the troops. We leap out of bed, humming the national anthem. A quick check of the stock market then it’s off to the galley for a breakfast of British reared sausages, British farmed eggs and British potato hash browns, each with the…
Nation breathes sigh of relief as government’s comfort is ensured
Concerned citizens were today reassured by the announcement that, no matter the magnitude nor crippling effects of the coming budget, those in government would not be personally affected. The calming news came amidst phrases such as ‘eye watering cuts’ and ‘severe tax increases’, which most of the British public is understood to have welcomed -…
Planners incredulous that thousands of poorly planned homes could have an effect on sewage works
Following the discovery of the most recent sewage spill on a Cornish beach, Councillors and town planners were today left mystified as to why a sewerage system loaded many times beyond its capacity could possibly have developed any problems. As the sea around the North Coast of Cornwall turned visibly brown, a Council spokesperson spoke…
Conservatives turn to magical Sorting Hat to select next Prime Minister
The Conservative Party have turned to the Rowling-esque wisdom offered by the Hogwarts Sorting Hat in the hope of selecting a better prime ministerial candidate. The fictional magical headwear, made famous in the Harry Potter universe is thought to have been credited with slightly better judgement that the conservative voter base and has, as such,…
Brexit Bus re-MOT’d for sole purpose of throwing kwasi Kwarteng under it
A local London garage has today explained how they were forced to carry out an emergency MOT on the Brexit Bus as it emerged that yet another tory chancellor was due to be hurled under its wheels. Speaking from outside the garage on Saturday, a tory spokesperson said: “This year we failed completely on emissions…
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